Losing Them & Finding Yourself Series: Introduction

Origins

I found myself intrigued by a curious meme that talked about moving on in the context of relationships. It presented 5 areas you would need to consider in your process of healing and moving forward after severing a relational tie. It applies even more to situations where you are left without a clear reason or a proper discussion and mutual decision-making process. Situations like ghosting in a relationship or a sudden firing from employment come to mind as examples.

The problem in these situations is that the fortitude required to recover, find resilience, and heal has most likely been damaged by the experience over time. In seeking to build on the relationship, you necessarily let go of elements of your independence and autonomy. You relied on the relationship in a mutual state of encouragement and community. Now, you are required to be mentally healthy even while grieving the loss and seeking to find yourself again in a world without the relationship. The definition of self is difficult enough compounded by the grief that often interrupts your process. The other party has completely checked out. This leaves no opportunity for you to work through your despair, questions, or any anchors that allow you to cognitively process the loss.

The Needs & Traits

Over the next few blog posts, I will be expounding on the tenants presented. In each of the sections, I want to talk about the emotional targets you have in the context of moving forward and the physical actions of moving forward. A version of the original is presented as follows:

Your Reasoning Needs

1. Closure: You will not receive closure in every situation, but you can create it for yourself.
2. Explanation: Some actions don’t have explanations. Some things cannot be explained.
3. Apology: Some people will not apologize because they can’t.

Their Character Traits

1. Aggression: Most of what people do is about them not you.
2. Autonomy: You cannot change people no matter how much you think they need to change.
3. Personhood: Some people hurt others as a pre-emptive means of protecting themselves.

Growth & Healing

Ultimately there’s a question in this for you. How will you grow and develop from this moment forward incorporating this experience in a productive way while recognizing and holding the pain that is inherent? The answer is more about your vision for the future, accepting the present rather than building on the past—the proposition you trusted before the situation changed. The answer is contrary to what you trusted the relationship to support. Change pulls away from your expected foundation. That security is no more. Now, in grief over losing the relationship with a sour experience of trust, change, and security, you must now trust in your individual vision, accept change as a positive forward, and reestablish security. The temptation, the inclination of self-protection, is to isolate that vision, control change, and pre-empt any potential threats to security. Resist. This is the damaged way the relationship governed their lives.

You can create an individual vision without isolating yourself from collaborative opportunities. You can inform and manage change in productive ways without overbearing control and possessiveness. You can protect your security including emotional space without striking to hurt or discourage others. You can build from the resources you have. Take time to grieve in your sustainable way. Then, assess your current situation for the resources available. Chart your process for vision, change, and security.