Just like tigers smell prey up to 15 meters away…Just like lions can estimate how long prey has been in an area…Just like wolves can hear up to 6 miles…Dudes are skilled at perceiving your weakness, attacking your vulnerabilities, and consuming your complete attention. You may be wiser than the average chic, but dudes are hunting for survival while you think this is a game – Michael “theMentor” Wright.
The weak dude has a plan. It is instinctive. That means that he does not have to be smart, intentional, or calculating. He does what satisfies his current feeling. If the feeling is hunger, he eats. If the feeling is fear, he runs or fights. If the feeling is desire, he seduces. He enjoys the hunt. He seeks to conquer. Like an animal, he will rarely turn down a meal of fresh meat.
Let’s be clear. Every dude is created equal. None is good by himself. It is the interaction with a woman that complements and completes a dude. The committed union and the requirements of maintaining that union are what transform any dude into a man.
You are prey. That is the way nature has constructed this game of emotions, relationship, and intimacy. Your task is only to value yourself as a prize of immeasurable worth, yet limited stores. You cannot give away bites of yourself and hope to live unfazed.
If you are going to succeed in relationships, you need to be honest. You need to be intentional in managing your feelings. Believe it or not, you can enjoy the game when you have rules in place. You want to be hunted. Nature dictates that you value the hunt. You have a biological clock that nudges you toward intimacy. You may think that establishing rules will limit your choices and the opportunities for enjoyment. On the contrary, with honesty, intentionality, a plan, and rules, you can experience enjoyment without regret.
Admitting to Daddy Issues
“Daddy issues” is a general term meant to convey a sense of longing or reaction to trauma that results in unreasonable approaches to relationships. Because fathers are important to the relational patterns of daughters, you will often hear about “daddy issues.” These issues are not just reserved for daddies. Also, note that the issues can result even if a daughter grew up in a home with her biological father. For a number of reasons, these intimacy issues can characterize your interactions with the opposite sex. They originate in the uniqueness of your gender. Relationships are important, even vital, to life as a woman. Authority is vital to satisfaction as a man.
Many women do not admit to having intimacy issues because they see only two options: be hard or be soft. “Hard” is characterized by a harsh, inconsiderate approach to men. It is intended to run men away before feelings start to develop. It is an attempt to manage feelings with AUTHORITY in reaction to need for relationship. “Soft” is characterized by a caring, welcoming approach to men. It is intended to engage men as “friends” so that feelings can be rationalized as “brotherly love.” It is an attempt to make all relationships the SAME and therefore safe and uncomplicated.
What both these options betray is a pretense of self-protection, an inability to manage your feelings intentionally. I have news for you, chic. Both these approaches make you EASY PREY for weak dudes. You also likely will turn away respectable dudes, never encouraging a dude to become a man. These are not the only options.
Managing Your Feelings
You must have a plan. Yet, your plan must be wise, intentional, and calculating. At the same time, your task is simple. First, tell the truth. Just like you admitted to your longing for a parental interaction that you did not receive, be honest about what you feel and want in a relationship. For you who have engaged intimately with the dude, realize that your longing is intensified and unreasonable in some ways. That is, you love him. If you are honest, you “need him.” To attempt to deny it is a lie. What you need to also understand is that you can live with that truth sustainably. Just because you have feelings that would cause you harm and delay your success does not mean that you must give in to unsustainable choices.
The second step to manage your feelings is to evaluate each truth in the context of relationships. You must evaluate each relationship in order to assess its sustainability. For each relationship, determine whether you will …
1) Respond with investment.
2) Respond to limit or block interaction.
3) Cut off all interaction or Do not respond.
You may be in love with him—a state of familiarity and expectation as a learned response from your level of intimacy with him. But, it may be more sustainable for YOUR GOALS to choose option 3 and cut all interaction with him. It will not be easy. But, realize that the LOVE you feel is the result of choices you made. Love that will nudge him to be a man is also the result of sustainable choice. Never make unsustainable choices thinking that those choices will miraculously result in your goals.
Not “Hard,” Powerful
Listen closely. Having standards, being wise, intentional, and calculating does not make you “HARD.” Weak Dudes will surely call you unflattering names when you consistently resist their games and succeed. This makes you “powerful” not hard.
It is important to wear your power gracefully. Your self-control and success is not a proclamation that you do not “need a man,” or that you can do it all yourself. Honesty admits that you have a space that can be filled by a respectable, wise, intentional man. Let your actions communicate this as well.
Create a set of rules recognizing the game of weak dudes and your own process of unsustainable choice. For example, weak dudes will often make excuses and use ploys to get you to come to their house. They have the home field advantage and can intensify the seduction when you are alone with them. Make a rule never to be found at a dude’s house. If you know that your rules become relaxed when you have had a glass of wine, do not drink when you expect to be around dudes. Examine yourself and determine what other rules you need to make in order to stay clear of the choice process that leads to your hurt. It is not enough to say no to breaking your rules. Say no to the game and calculations that lead up to breaking rules.
The good news is, if no rules are being broken, you can enjoy the experience of getting to know a dude without reservation. “Can I go out to dinner with a guy?” The more appropriate question is, “Do you want to get to know this dude?” Be honest with yourself. If “Yes!” is the answer, set the date. You have not broken any rules by accepting a dinner invitation. Be intentional. You may want to drive your own car. Have a plan for an approximate time, activity, and return home. Maintain your rules and refuse actions that undermine those rules. Dudes with honorable intentions raise their game and respect you representing themselves as men. Weak dudes are frustrated and call you names.
No matter your current situation, your outcome will be the best thing ever. Success is not because it is meant to be, or by accident. Success is the result of who you are, the choices you make, the rules you maintain, and the standard you hold to others. When it comes to anything in your life, including dudes, you make success happen. When dude comes with game, be the type of woman whose play of his game transforms him into a man.
[ Michael A. Wright, PhD, LAPSW is a leadership coach and organization consultant based in Nashville, Tennessee. With over 16 years of experience guiding individuals to their goals, Michael has the techniques and patience to help you succeed. Follow @MAWMedia on Twitter or connect for a consultation at MAWMedia.com ]