Message to My Daughters (MTMD)
Today, I begin a new series. The message I need to express comes as a reaction to my many conversations with millenials and other adults who discount human nature, their intuition, facts, and experience because of GAME–explanations from a no-good. They mistake familiarity with LOVE, and fail to recognize that settling for less than your goals is failure, not realism. They desire to build with the other, but are clueless as to what components (emotional, psychological, and physical) constitute the best building materials.
MTMD Entry 001: I need you to be better, and I need you to know what better is.
You can’t allow your sense of boredom to dictate your enforcement of your own rules. Being better means that you go beyond the sense of boredom and create with your free time. You create things to do that fill your time with productivity, joy, and self-satisfaction. To fill up the space that may have been filled by a no good person with your action and enjoyment.
When the no good person calls, it’s not a question of having the willpower to say no. It is a function of valuing your productivity more and realizing the drain that time with the no good person represents. Even before you get the idea that there is a better relationship, you live within the promise of productivity. It could be as simple as reading a book, or it could be as complex as programming a computer system. The point is that you are becoming better because of that time spent.
I realize now that you understand your value. You believe that you are worth more. You feel that your value is priceless. You are naive and misinformed about how to measure the value of the other person.
The value of a person is measured by what they do in total, their consistency and their cycle. The value is not just their provision for you. The value is not just their integrity or their consideration. It is not just their potential or their education. It is all of these.
To be considered as a valuable relationship, that value to you must be consistent. Do not defend them by saying, “nobody’s perfect.” First, some mistakes are not acceptable in a relationship. You must not compromise on these rules. You risk death and disease if you do. Second, a consistent mistake is not a mistake at all but it is a choice. Third, in a relationship, you need the person to own and not just the fault but also the solution.
To be considered as a valuable relationship, the cycle must not include your depression, harm, or abandonment. No matter how satisfying the recovery–no matter the inferior gifts he gives you–emotional letdowns cannot be tolerated. Remember, your goal is to be loved unconditionally, to be respected without question, to be the most important person to someone. Accept nothing less. Do not accept inferior gifts as replacement for what you desire and deserve. A valuable relationship cannot, will not be your source of sadness. That type of relationship is no better than being alone.
Knowing better also requires that you understand the truth about the other person. There are a lot of no good people in the world. In your current surroundings there may be only no good people. But, knowing better is knowing that your current surroundings do not include the whole selection of options. As you develop yourself, you will be exposed to others. In that group of others, there will be better people. When you choose the best of the no good you are settling for no good. Endure that feeling of loneliness, and work toward the time when you’ll be surrounded by better.
[ Michael A. Wright, PhD, LAPSW is a father of two girls and a boy. He is also a 20 year veteran husband. He works as a leadership coach and organization consultant based in Nashville, Tennessee. With over 16 years of experience guiding individuals to their goals, Michael has the techniques and patience to help you succeed. Follow @MAWMedia on Twitter or connect for a consultation at MAWMedia.com ]