— Dr Michael theMentor (@MAWMedia) June 25, 2014
How do you work on your trust issues?
Origin of Trust Issues
Someone let you down or actively hurt you. It’s not about giving more chances. It is about risking more certainly…predicting outcomes.
Many believe that it is courteous and polite to give without expecting anything in return. I counsel: seek reciprocity in every relationship. Objective measures and reciprocity require that you first know what YOU want.
Many think that they have to accept others and resist judgment. I counsel: learn to judge others with objective measures.
Learning to Judge: Investment or Charity
Every relationship is an opportunity to gain something of value and provide something of value. This is the definition of reciprocity–give and accept. When you know what you want and what you are willing to provide, you can structure your relationships accordingly. You never have to risk what you are not willing to give away. And, that is the most important determination, whether what you are providing is investment or charity.
Reciprocity is a requirement of healthy relationships, but every relationship is not an investment that you expect to bear fruit or a return on investment. Some relationships are charity. In other words, you do not expect a return relative to what you put in. I propose that these charity relationships should be few and far in between. They must also be limited as to what you give in to them.
Distinguishing between investment and charity can be accomplished with three questions.
- Does the other person have the capacity to provide anything of value to me?
- Does the contribution of the other build without tearing me down or requiring extras from me?
- Is it reasonable to expect that the other will, at some point, pay my contribution forward?
If the answer to 1 or more is No, your contribution is charity. Two or more No indicate a draining relationship. No to all 3 suggest a relationship that you must limit or dissolve or it will cost you mental health.
— Dr Michael theMentor (@MAWMedia) September 16, 2014
The inclination to isolate yourself and protect is warranted. But, perpetual isolation is not a life strategy. In order to achieve at your highest level, you will establish networks of supportive individuals.
Supportive Networks have at least 3 fundamental features:
- People will challenge your definition of you resulting in a greater ability to reach YOUR goals. You may have learned through pain to maintain a strict sense of who you are so that no one can overwhelm your choice behavior. But, optimal functioning requires that you change and adapt in the face of new information. Supportive networks wi remind you on this fact. The determining feature is that you move closer, in each clarification of you, to the goals you have for yourself.
- People will invest into you tangibly and require a clear return on that investment. Lack of a requirement in return for investment is not only an unsustainable gesture. It is a signal of an unsustainable relationship. People who are not able to articulate their requirements of you are often able to point out when you are not living up to their expectations. Inability to spell out those requirements is uncertainty or denial of their own needs. Do not suffer at the hands of their lack of self-awareness. Negotiate through a greater sense of awareness. Authenticity and honesty, even to the point of losing that relationship, is better than the hurt of non-reciprocal relationships.
- People will communicate honestly about their growth and the growth of the relationship. Contrary to what you have learned in life thus far, every relationship worth keeping grows–from project to project, from visit to visit, from donations to wealth building. This is true because, optimally, you are always growing–learning new skills, engaging new experiences, and connecting with new markets. The addition of a supportive network is to discuss this growth looking for patterns and pitfalls. These discussions will result in smarter work as opposed to harder work. Your goals will begin to be lifestyle-related and integrated. This offers benefit to you and to your supportive network.