According to men, all women are crazy. According to women, all men are incorrigible. Men complain that women make them incorrigible by pushing them to be ambitious, making them work to earn the prize, causing them to compete for affection. Women complain that men make them crazy with their wandering eyes, insensitive comments, and their insistence on trying to fix things before they have listened with their hearts. Plus, men won’t stop and ask for directions!
Let’s make progress through this article and admit that both men and women are right. All women are crazy. All men are incorrigible. And, some woman and some man are inevitably to blame.
The beauty of getting together is finding that ONE who complements you. They connect like a puzzle piece to complete the picture of a life. They are strong where you are weak. They are smart where you are incompetent. They are calm where you are inconsolable.
With That Understood
Woman, the one is that guy who turns your crazy into creativity, confidence, and competence. Man, the one is that girl who turns your incorrigible into passion, unconditional commitment, and sustainable growth. Success in this proposition will require consistent work. You will be frustrated at times. But, a firm commitment to vows on the front end, coupled with an understanding of the task at hand, will see you two through any storm.
Beginning with the End in Mind
It was a casual conversation with an engaged groom that reminded me of an inspired thought.
“People ask me, ‘How can you be with the same person for ever?’ I shared.
“That’s the wrong question,” He quipped. “Why would you want to be with anyone else?” And it’s true. What you have with that one is not just about mechanics and fluid transfers. It’s about you becoming the man or woman that you intend to be. To waste time admiring the grass in another yard keeps you from watering and appreciating your own grass.
The focus then, becomes distinguishing that one from all the others. More difficult for women because of the instincts to deceive of men. More difficult for men because of the culture to initially respond with consideration when approached. Allow me to provide some guidelines for finding the one.
For Both Men and Women
1. Know YOU. You see more clearly and discern more objectively when you are not deceived within yourself. Refuse politeness and correctness in your determination of your preferences. Admit to your values. Then, explore them more deeply searching for meaning. It is this meaning that sustains behavior.
2. Start in groups. Gradually resolve to one on one interactions. It is harder for any individual to deceive or pretend consideration when faced with real group interaction. The facade that can be maintained one-to-one tends to fall away in groups. Friends and family are good groups. But, coworkers, church or civic group members, or teenagers are better. The latter groups are less likely to keep your secrets and support any lies.
3. Develop YOU. Don’t slow down, pick up hitchhikers, or solicit relationships in seedy environments. The one will not be one who needs to catch up. The one is someone that you feel the need to catch up to. They will feel the same way. Keep seeking knowledge, building a foundation for wealth, traveling, and excelling in your career. The one will learn to communicate, reinforce foundations, understand jet lag, and propose to be a grand partner in business.
4. Expect a Tangible Reciprocity. Old school dowry? Yes! Each person seeking to form a couple must have something that they offer that builds the other. The relationship must offer an opportunity for long-term sustainability. The proof of this is tangible, real contributions that each can make consistently to the relationship. The contribution must be valued by the receiver and freely given as tribute by the giver. Even more powerful (and more common) than pre-nuptial agreements, an upfront contribution is an investment in the long-term success of the relationship. It is a symbol of the intangible offering that is promised as well. Don’t agree with me? How much was your engagement ring? I’ll wait. (*time’s up!). My point is that the contribution extends beyond the material, but one who does not also offer tangible evidence is less likely to be the one for a lifetime.