Today, the subject is from the core of the romance area, my heart. A failed relationship was part of my personal crumbling last year, and I never had an explanation as to why. The latest hurt was so deep I literally felt the physical pain as well as the emotional pain. It made me ill as well as angry, which I’ve only experienced one other time. That other time as well the pain was romance related.
Returning to Dating
The 3 hour distance relationship was an un-expected dream and an answered prayer, I thought. I had been so busy trying not to have another bad relationship. As a challenge from my hair stylist, I finally came out of my shell to gather my pennies to pay for a moderately priced one month membership on a popular, highly-rated dating site for business professionals. I viewed it as daring and good for a laugh at the Bubba’s and Jerome’s of the dating world. Never mind that when I would say the name of the site, people thought I was saying “Little Bo Peep” (laugh). The anticipation to see if I received a “wink” or “flirt” was exciting.
We made it to the three words “I love you”. We skyped every day, met in between our cities, and discussed wedding rings and honeymoon locations. He was the extremely exhausted holder of Professorship and Associate Minister positions, as well roles as an involved parent and grandfather. I was working full-time, completing my degree, interning, and engaging with family and health issues. But, we made it 5 years despite the struggles. I was also very honest and realistic. I told him on several occasions to let me know if he met someone in his city, because I was a “grown” woman with big girl panties on. I loved this man but, this woman needs honesty more.
Suspicious Husband Finger
In January 2015, I wished him a happy birthday. He was joyful even though he had been disappearing and checking in less and less. He reminded me of Casper the Friendly Ghost when he’d appear, and say “hello,” and disappear again. I again inquired about our status noticing an odd ring on the husband finger (as I call it). I received an affirming answer although less enthusiastic with mumblings of distance and health issues and the ring being an organizational ring working as a decoy to keep the tired women away.
My birthday came in March. I received no card, no call, and no flowers. I tried numerous times by phone, Skype, text, and email to reach him. I even sent an old school type letter that was returned. Then it hit me. I’d been ghosted—the latest break-up trend. Last week, I dreamed about him 3 nights in a row, and I wondered if he was even in his city anymore. I did what I hate doing, but is now required. I googled him. All his accomplishments, job, organizations appeared. Nothing new except a marriage license for July 2014! I couldn’t breathe then, and can’t breathe now as I share this. I retired in June 2014, we had talked many times. That ring on his finger in January was his wedding band! My heart hurts because I understood the challenge; so why be so dishonest? I approached it as an adult with honesty and open communication and his old behind (yes, he was older than me) didn’t have the balls to tell me, oh, excuse me! My mistake, he obviously didn’t have any.
Hipping with Dignity
My confidence and self-esteem took another unexpected hit, and my Kleenex supply is low so Charmin fills in until I get to the grocery. I planned all of these dramatic scorned woman surprises, like showing up at his church, his job, or even congratulating the new wife on Facebook. I did none of these things because it’s not me. My retaliation was to pray and meditate. which is me staying true to myself. Even if I didn’t deserve this type of treatment, I refuse to stoop to a lower level to validate his gutless behavior. I do believe there is an appropriate behavior for all times. There will be appropriate reaping when the time is right. I realized I had already approached it appropriately with dignity without making threats of removing parts from his body or broaching a thorough cussing. I opened my heart to receive love and learned I could love again. Maybe that was my true lesson. He served his purpose for that reason.
Yes, I’m hipping through another disappointment. Once again, I’m going to be alright. I never want anyone to be mistreated like this. If I reach one person with this commentary, my job is done. Yes, ghosting is the latest trend created obviously for cowards. There is an appropriate way to do all things; more importantly, please remember, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Keep your dignity. It does work. One thing about it though, Casper would have never done it this way!
[Janet E. Blakemore is a former full-figure model, former director of a modeling school, retiree from TN State Government, and an awesome, vibrant spirit of a person. In addition to writing, Janet is an entrepreneur who enjoys retail therapy, being a Tennessee State University alum, and time with her adult daughter and extended family. ]