I couldn’t sleep so I rose up to write. I used the word rose because it was as if I did it with ease with the lightness of a feather because my mind was working. It is 4:57 a.m.(!) on Tuesday morning. For those who know me well, you understand this is rare. But, this may become the norm as the writing urge knocks on my creative door. I must answer with my uniqueness.
I’m heading toward a new journey, and that is why I couldn’t sleep. I woke up contemplating my next steps toward a purposeful life. I say purposeful because I have finally realized I have a gift to share. Success is important, but purpose is more important. Duh! I’ve known this. We all know it. My nightly routine includes prayer, meditation, Bible verses, inspirational and motivational readings to help my sleep deprivation that I’ve been suffering from. I might even hum a little gospel tune at times aiding these tools to help heal, de-stress the mind and body, and survive life’s struggles. I’m such an advocate for these tools. Yet, interestingly enough, I sometimes zone out because I allow doubt and fear to creep in as if I reserved an empty spot in my brain just for them.
I have always had so many interests. It is a struggle to know which way to go. I overthink situations. In my words, I call it “swishing my tail”. I often feel exhausted, exhibit low self-esteem, express little confidence, or experience a void of feeling. I attributed these feelings to everything going on in my family, or my personal struggles. I can’t tell you how long I hid it or acted like nothing was wrong.
Thinking back, these are the times when I would be most vulnerable to fear and doubt. That section of my brain has and is working overtime keeping me from my goals and dreams. I recently realized that if I gave as much attention to accepting my uniqueness, I would be better off. I realized that I must practice confidence and positivity about being me. I needed to stop putting pressure on myself—hurrying to succeed—when I’ve already succeeded. We all must reflect on our successes in order to fight through our failures. Reviewing our successes doesn’t have to make us conceited. It can privately motivate us to a different mode of life, allowing our uniqueness to shine.
The Next Chapter
No. I don’t know what I would like to do in my next chapter of life, but sharing this struggle is a part of me giving back. It is a unique part of me, and it reminds me that I have choices, and that I’m blessed. These types of lessons are redundant, but lessons must be repeated until they are learned and integrated into life. It made me reminisce on my Mom cracking a joke about me and my brother being different. She would say that I was born in a fancy department store, and my brother was born in a money saving discount store. She would laugh and say, “I have the best deal because they’re unique.” I have now reserved a spot in my brain for uniqueness. When I’m struggling to understand me, I will remember to take great pride in being me. As one of my counselors told me once, “When in doubt, look at your fingertip and know there is only one of me as God planned it.” Remember to do that, good people. It will help you everyday!
So, scoot over doubt and fear. You have a new neighbor! Uniqueness has moved in.
[Janet E. Blakemore is a former full-figure model, former director of a modeling school, retiree from TN State Government, and an awesome, vibrant spirit of a person. In addition to writing, Janet is an entrepreneur who enjoys retail therapy, being a Tennessee State University alum, and time with her adult daughter and extended family. ]