Reasoning Needs: Explanation Needs Some actions don’t have explanations. Some things cannot be explained.
Especially when wrestling with high emotions, our minds desperately desire to reason. This translates into a need for a reason for the behavior of the other. Two things exist. At least two things.
First, the reason has very little to do with you. Even though they will attempt to insert you causally, your only fault is proximity to the failure. They will try to assign some of the blame to you attempting to prey upon your humility knowing that you are not perfect. The reason is tied solely to their choice. Stated simply, they chose this action. Your choice, now, is how to respond. Even in your most regrettable interactions with the other, understand that you don’t hold the ability to force their hand. Adults own their choices no matter what influenced their decision-making.
Second, explanations offered in this context are rarely long and complex. The process of choice is a matter of desire, opportunity, and execution. The Desire is simply wanting a certain thing. If one does not want it, one does not seek it. Opportunity is something that comes along and gives you the chance to put your desire into action. No matter what the pressure is, Opportunity is only capitalized upon by Desire. Execution, of course, is doing the thing. Execution is also recognizing what is done and confirming it. What’s most important is the underlying desire.
This brings you to the final resting place for all reasons. It was done because the other wanted to do it. Resist the need to ascertain where the desire originated. That is work that you should not be doing on another person unless you are trained and paid to do so. That profiling energy is better spent on You.
Explanation: Emotional Targets
Intellect, judgment, and competence with explanation needs translates into behavior knowledge, listening, and process. Know that human behavior suggests some basic principles about how humans interact. If you want something, you do what you need to do. You are motivated intrinsically. You push yourself without the need for external motivators. If you are not going after it, you don’t want it bad enough. Your emotional target is to feel your desire and recognize theirs.
Listening here is critical. When a person communicates their desires through their behaviors, pay attention. Listening is not just hearing. It is adjusting your expectations and interactions according to what you are discerning. Commit to listening for your own needs. Admit to them without determination of their pros and cons. Accept them as yours.
Process competence is another critical skill. You must know how IT works whatever the IT is. The basics are humans and systems. People behave in predictable ways. Systems follow discernible patterns. Your emotional target is toward a feeling of control. You can’t control the situation or the actors, but your sense of control comes from knowing people and systems over time. As you see the patterns, note them. Expect them to repeat. Plan and act accordingly.
Now, you are in a position to mold your motivations to fit your desired outcomes. You are primed to seek what you want authentically or to put in the work to change your perspective, mindset, or habits to better fit your desired outcomes. Heal from what the other is plagued with, a disconnect between spoken words and behavior.
Explanation: Physical Action
Intellectually, process the knowledge you have gained from experience. You want an explanation from their lips, but you have one from their actions and your experiences. The explanation you hold may be better than any explanation they may give with their potential to lie, misdirect, rationalize, or otherwise state what they think you want to hear.
In my experience and observations of clients, you have been told from their lips. You lacked the context to hear them fully when they told you who they were and their pattern failings. They may have related a story about an ex or a troubling childhood memory. Remember the conclusions they drew and the personality traits they chose to incorporate. The negatives were not targeting you, so you may not have registered the deficit and immaturity. Now, in your search for closure, you can hear their words and judge without the filters.
Judgment often feels like you are applying bitterness and aggression. You may feel those, but executing wise judgment isn’t a poor character trait. Preserving your peace is a mental health activity. Limit interactions. Refuse to “forgive” in ways that violate safety and subject you to dishonesty. Turn your energy inward to develop new coping rather than second-guessing your character. Monitor carefully. Inward focus can be overwhelming and self-critical. Your task is to recite affirmations, rehearse positivity, and nurture You.
Competence with explanations is about regaining a sense of control. It is knowledge of patterns that release you from anxiety about being blindsided by the other person. Believe the patterns. Prepare for them. Maintain safety and peace above all. Never allow a sense of love and loyalty to make you a repeat target. You do not owe anything to anyone. It is a fallacy to think that you must give others your attention, time, and energy. Even if you are interested in them, they must not be your priority. YOU are your priority. You, healthy, choose who to share You with and how much to give in any interaction.
The critical explanation you need is a competent return to You, your habits, interests, and love of You. If you do not have this knowledge available, spend the time to identify and develop these explanations that become expressions of You. This explanation will improve all your interactions romantic and otherwise.